Christmas letter and cards completed! Woot! I’m sure I’m missing people but if they know me, they’ll understand.

A. is away for work again, lucky bastard, so I’ve been left to my own devices in the evening. Not that I’m complaining – I have two Vogue magazines just dying to be drooled over. But I was restless last night and not in the mood for reading or painting or doing anything useful about the house. And I finished the Christmas cards earlier than I expected too. And along with them, the eggnog. Leaving me totally bored and without anything tasty. A distraction was in order.

Enter Harry Potter for Wii. I never play video games, in part because I don’t have boatloads of spare time and in part because my husband plays video games, but he plays lame one person games that suck. I’ve had this HP game for two years and I’m only 3/4 finished. Silliness.

The problem with playing HP, however, is that our TV is too dark for a couple of the levels – this occurred to me for the 100th time when I popped the game in and couldn’t see anything in the Black Lake. But! Instead of taking the game out in frustration and trying to find something else to do, I saw an opportunity for a resolution: figure out how to work the television.

That’s right, I don’t know how to work my TV. Whatever, you don’t either. Does anyone really know what those little A B C buttons do? No. I’m completely convinced that extra buttons are placed on remotes just to fill them out.

Our TV has two remotes – one universal, and the one that came with the telly. I never use the one that came with the telly. It resides in our bookcase along with cat ashes and a portmerion teapot. Which is why the following happened:

Ezmy (to no one in particular): Right, let’s brighten up the TV shall we?

*inspects remote – finds ‘Settings’ button and considers this promising*

*pushes ‘Settings’ button – menu appears with brightness, contrast, etc. scales*

Ezmy: Woot!

*pushes arrows to select brightness scale – menu disappears*

Ezmy: Hmpf.

*tries again. Because maybe she pushed it wrong the last time. Menu disappears.*

Ezmy: WTF?

*tries a third time. Because she doesn’t know what else to do. Menu disappears.*

Ezmy: *insert several curse words*

*begins to push random buttons in no particular order a la Budsie. Menu disappears.*

Ezmy: Right, a drink is in order here – alcohol always helps with problem-solving.

*thirty minutes passes*

Ezmy: WAIT! There is another remote!

*searches for remote. Retrieves said remote after ten minute, curse-filled search*

*realizes there are no batteries in said remote*

*searches for AAA batteries*

*actually finds AAA batteries*

*pushes appropriate buttons*

*brightens television*

*kicks Voldemort’s ass until 1am*

Ezmy: YES!

 

Why hello there!

Ok, so I definitely dropped off the face of the blogosphere for the past month and a bit. And here’s why:

1)      A. went to Europe for work for two weeks. I had a rotten cold for the first week and spent the last week catching up on work and trying to stop the kid from offing himself. He walks now, you see, and has now discovered new and glorious ways to give me a heart attack.

2)      While A. was away I was struck with the brilliant (read: completely stupid) idea to renovate the living room. It’s quite pretty – all navy blue and white trim with an actual fireplace. But it started to look less so when…

3)      Our hot water tank broke. This in and of itself was not a problem – like plenty of Ontarians, we rent our tank. Phew! Unfortunately we do not rent the gas ventilation pipe that carries the gas to the outside world. This too decided to crap out on us. Obscene amounts of money, and one giant hole in the ceiling that ran the length of our condo later…ugh. But surely that was the end of our house woes, right?

4)      Wrong. On the SAME DAY that I got the good news about the ventilation pipe, our desktop computer (read: the only computer with Word on it and therefore the only computer I can do most of my work on) came down with USB-port short flu. Into the repair shop she went. But that’s it, right Ezmy?

5)      Nope. While at the repair shop, I decided to upgrade my MacBook and purchase Word for Mac software. This was getting ridiculous, I thought, not being able to use the laptop for work. I brought the nicely updated darling back home and within a few hours, my wonderful son, the apple of my eye who I love oh so much, promptly killed it with a mug of cold coffee. It is so very dead. I cried.

6)      And then I ran away. Ok, I didn’t run away. But I did go on a two week trip to BC with the computer killer in tow. Lovely visits were had with my brother and his wife and my awesome extra cute nephew, HBomb.

7)      Some jerk on the plane gave my kid a crazy head cold. Seven snot-filled days later and here we are.

Awesome stuff happened too though. For one thing, I have a new niece, A-lo. So much cuteness! Being an aunt rocks my socks. For another, BC was way too much fun. I met up with old friends, saw family I never get to see, and most importantly, relaxed. I didn’t get to see everyone – sorry! – but seeing my brother was really why I went anyway. My baby brother is awesomeness personified.

So I’m back now. And I even have a new resolution for today: to finish my Christmas letter and Christmas cards BEFORE Christmas Day. I will be successful!

Update on previous resolutions: the aforementioned details concerning the last month have obviously cut into exercise time. First run in a few weeks tomorrow – oh but my legs are going to hate me…

I’m having one of those weeks where I feel like I’m generally failing at life. Blerg. No matter, however. Things will pick up. In the meantime, I run it out.

So I read this blog. It’s called Parenting, Illustrated with Crappy Pictures. I’m sure you’ve seen it and if you haven’t, you simply must. This woman rocks my socks – she’s funny, sarcastic and has a similar approach to raising kids as I do: throw yourself in there, get messy, have a sense of humor, forget perfection, and remember to eat cake. Plus she draws funny pictures. Awesomeness.

Anyway, I read this blog. And today I read this post. And my heart broke. And then I got mad. Because I’m getting just a little tired of cancer getting all up in my face and hurting my family (thinking of you, Uncle Ron) and my friends and being all “Oh look at me, I’m Cancer and I hurt people”. Effing cancer. Little does cancer know, however, that I’m becoming a mean running machine and that I’ve decided to focus my running energy on raising money to kick cancer’s ass. Or at the very least, minimizing the pain of those who have it.

So that’s my resolution for today, and indeed as long as I’m able: to run, walk, wear underwear on my head, do anything I can to raise money and awareness about any type of cancer that gets in my way. Stupid cancer.

I love cut flowers. I know I shouldn’t – I know that they are wasteful and horrible for the environment and don’t even get me started about the human rights issues. I know that I should just buy a nice house plant that has flowers.

But I love them.

So to make myself feel better, I just don’t buy cut flowers that often. Generally only when company is coming, in a feeble attempt to cover up the ever-present diaper cream smell. And when the company leaves, well, I have flowers for a few days. Or….a few weeks. What? I hate throwing them out! Even when they start to develop the smell of death, I have a difficult time tossing them.

But I really must. Budsie is in this delightfully sweet phase where he wants to smell flowers all the time. Pictures of flowers, dandelions in fields, the paper leaves of the Shopper’s Drug Mart ‘Tree of Life”. And of course, the flowers on our dining room table. Yesterday, poor Budsie tried to smell the dining room table flowers, which were hovering on the edge of death, and they collapsed under his nose. Not one to get upset at such things, he merely picked up the petals and tried to put the flowers back together, which of course didn’t work. This caused him to give me a look that clearly said “Fix it, Mum” and, not being magic, I couldn’t. He was irritated.

Now, if Budsie had been a bit older, I suppose I could have used this as an opportunity for a nature lesson – you know, circle of life and whatnot. But he’s 16 months and that’s not really his thing. So today’s resolution: toss dead flowers, preferably when they are just dead and not several weeks dead.

Update on other resolutions: Training for the 10k is going well. Running in the fall rocks my socks. Oh. So. Much.

 

Right, so I’ve definitely fallen behind on the posting. But here’s why: I’m checking items off my ‘what I want‘ list and these things take some time. No matter, however. The point of this year’s blog theme was to get shit done. Checkity check check!

So what have I been doing? With respect to the list, I’ve been working to make sure I can stay home with Budsie for one more year (which means I’m taking any and all writing jobs I can get that pay well), I’ve been developing a close relationship with Mr. Yee, and I’ve been running my face off. The CIBC Run for the Cure was a huge success and an excellent first race for someone who has never done one before. But now I’m hooked. So I’m registering for the Girl Guides 10k Cookie Run on November 5. I figure why not? The 5k went super well and I can totally get up to 10k in the next five weeks. Plus I like the sound of doing a Cookie Run. Nom nom nom.

Other items on the list have not been as successful but no matter – I will get them. A new tattoo, for example, is just around the corner. Perhaps a Merry Xmas present for Ezmy? We shall see.

But I should get back on the resolution writing train soon. Until then, here is yet another conversation had between A. and myself at midnight in the dark. We were talking about horror movies that I hadn’t seen (which is almost all of them because horror movies are stupid and scary and lame).

A.: How about ‘Hellraiser’? Have you seen that?

Ezmy: Is that the one with the red dude who has things in his head?

A.: Well, the guy has things in his head but he isn’t red.

Ezmy: Who’s the red guy with things in his head?

A.: Hellboy.

Ezmy: Right. He’s odd looking.

A.: Yes.

Ezmy: Ok, so what’s this ‘Hellraiser’ about?

A.: Well, it’s about a guy called Pinhead.

Ezmy: Aren’t the Pinheads a band?

A.: I don’t know but ‘Pinhead’ is an evil dude.

Ezmy: Yeah, I’m pretty sure the Pinheads are a band.

A.: *sigh* That may be but ‘Pinhead’ is not a band. He’s the evil dude in ‘Hellraiser’.

Ezmy: And he has things in his head?

A.: Yes. Pins.

Ezmy: Pins like sewing pins?

A.: They’re a little more substantial than sewing pins. But yes, pins.

Ezmy: And someone gave them to him?

A.: Yes, “gave”. If by “gave” you mean subjected him to horrendous torture.

Ezmy: (who has been looking up whether or not the Pinheads are a band as she suspects they are) ‘Back to the Future’! The Pinheads are Marty’s band in ‘Back to the Future’. Man, that was going to bug me.

A.: *sigh*

Just back from Niagara-on-the-Lake. How was the trip you ask? Well, I’m currently sipping coffee out of a kick ass William and Kate coffee mug so obviously it was the awesomest trip ever. A. and I went on our first vacation without Budsie and man alive did we have a good time. Weddings and wine and six hour conversations including a glorious debate about whether or not it is worth divorcing me over my purchase of a William and Kate coffee mug (I obviously won, though I’m not convinced that A. doesn’t think just a little bit less of me now). A most excellent vacation.

On the resolution front things have been ticking along, but rather than recap all of the ones I’ve missed I’ll simply say that 75% of the resolutions made in the last two weeks have been successful. Not bad, really. Not bad at all.

No, instead of recapping resolutions, I’m going to use this post for a sample conversation between A. and myself. I should preface by saying that I have no recollection of how we got on the topic of ‘zillions’ but I don’t think that this lack of information takes away from anything. I should also set the scene by noting that the whole conversation was had in bed, in pitch black darkness at around 12am.

—

Ezmy: Zillion is totally a word.

A.: Yes, but it doesn’t mean anything.

Ezmy: What do you mean it doesn’t mean anything? It means lots. Zillion is a real word, a real number, and it means lots.

A.: It’s not a number.

Ezmy: Yes it is.

A.: No it’s not. Look it up.

Ezmy: Fine. I will look it up. I will look it up and you will be wrong.

*gropes around for trusty iphone, finds it and looks up “zillion” on Wikipedia*

A: Well? What does it say?

Ezmy: Nothing.

A: Nothing at all? Nothing about ‘zillion’ being a made-up number?

Ezmy: It doesn’t say ‘made-up’.

A: Really?

Ezmy: It says ‘fictitious’.

A: Aha!

Ezmy: Pfft, it has “zillion” in the same category as “gajillion”. Gajillion is obviously not a number. But zillion totally could be. And everyone knows that anybody can edit Wikipedia. It’s hardly a reliable source.

A: It’s not a word.

Ezmy: Then what comes after billion (note: at this point, Ezmy knows she’s wrong but is being stubborn)? Eh? Can’t answer that can you? That’s ’cause it’s zillion.

A: It’s not zillion. It’s…well, it’s….look it’s not zillion.

Ezmy: Aha!

A: *sigh*

*Time passes. Discussion moves on to chatter about other numbers, numbers that do exist. Conversation then turns to negative numbers. That’s right – my husband and I talk about negative numbers at 12:30am. Hot!*

Ezmy: …I always liked multiplying negative numbers. Because it was easy to remember that two negatives make a positive since that’s how sentences are constructed.

A.: What do you mean two negatives make a positive?

Ezmy: You know, like -2 multiplied by -2 makes 4.

A.: That can’t be right.

Ezmy: Well it is.

A.: No, that sounds wrong.

Ezmy: That may be, but it’s not wrong. It’s right.

A.: Pfft.

*Ezmy gropes around again for trusty iphone, punches in -2 x -2 and lo and behold, the answer is 4*

Ezmy: *gives phone to A.* See? 4.

*A. clears the number, punches in -2 x -2 and, unsurprisingly, gets 4*

A.: That’s bullshit.

—

I feel as though I came away from these conversations on top. Zillion should  be a number, after all, and -2 x -2 always equals 4. Double win for Ezmy? I think so.

Update: I know that trillion comes after billion. But it should be zillion.

If anyone ever wanted to know A.’s vacation schedule, all they would have to do is look at the missing posting days on this blog. Family fun times tend to get in the way of regular posting, and rightly so I think.

They do not, however, get in the way of resolution-ing (what? It’s totally a word):

September 3: Stick to my thesis schedule, even when it’s all sunny and nice and A. is home. This was HARD but I was successful. I’m so close to getting this bad boy out of the way, I can taste it…

September 4: Try new beer. This is kind of silly, but I do have a tendency to just go for good ol’ standbys like Guinness and Kilkenny because I hate when I accidentally pick up beers I don’t like. But on Sunday I found a basket at the LCBO full of odd singles and I thought, why not? I grabbed two Harp, which I think I’ve had once but don’t remember, and thoroughly enjoyed them.

September 5: Map and run a 5km in order to practice for the CIBC Run for the Cure. This was moderately successful, disappointing and surprising. The successful part: I did map the run and made it through 4 km. The disappointing part: this time 2 years ago, I was running 6km easily most mornings. The surprising part: after only a few weeks of getting back into this, I was able to do the 4km. The body does remember, it would seem.

And today? Well today is all about fixing things. Namely the screen in our living room, which Budsie decided was simply impeding his efforts to catapult himself out of the living room into the yard below. One mum heart attack later, and the window is now locked with no screen on it. But I would like to be able to open it again so the screen will be reattached today, by moi, using some sort of industrial strength glue. And then I will spend the next two years worrying about it anyway. Sigh.

Oh yes, and speaking of the Budsie: he walks! Well, sort of. He takes three or four steps and then crashes. Hilarious to watch. Hilarious and frightening…

 

Busy, busy, busy. I’ll make this quick as I must head off and write yet another blog post for yet another blog. I’m certainly not complaining but man alive, I’m going to be happy to relax soon (fingers crossed for Monday).

Yesterday’s resolution was to try new frozen vegetables. Generally a fan of fresh veggies, I’ve been finding myself a tad pressed for time and popping a handful of frozen peas in the microwave makes for a quick and easy snack for my little man. I have things perfectly timed so that while the peas are nuking, I can unload the dishwasher and Budsie can polish off a cup of milk. Good timing = a mother’s best friend. But in an effort to up my own veggie intake, I thought that perhaps I should be nuking something for myself as well. We all know that I hate peas with the passion of one thousand burning suns so I opted for something just as snack-like: frozen shelled edamame…

GROSS.

I love vegetables. LOVE them. But these were gross gross gross. And Budsie won’t eat them either. Which is saying something because that kid will eat just about anything, including squirrel poo. Back to crispy raw green beans for me, thank you very much.

Today’s resolution? To fix the lights in our bathroom, half of which are burnt out. I was unsuccessful with this as Budsie decided to forgo his morning nap and I had a mountain of work to get through. No matter, I’ll get to this tomorrow.

On an unrelated note, here’s another sample conversation between A. and I that transpired while I did some research last night:

A.: *insert whispered tirade of angry four letter words* “Look at this guy! He’s fucking enormous!”

Me: *looks up from research* He is, yes. And he has a gun for an arm.

A.: “Right? How the hell am I supposed to kill him?”

Me: “Well, can you get a gun arm? It seems to me that a gun arm is your only hope here.”

A.: *sigh* “No, I can’t just get a gun arm.”

Me: “I’m no expert, but I think you’re going to need a gun arm.”

A.: *insert whispered tirade of angry four letter words*

Another straight-forward one today as my schedule is packed with writing, a little thrift store shopping with Fialonia, and a date with a puzzle (Van Gogh, you will be the death of me). Later today I’m going to transform this:

…into a proper filing cupboard. Man, this house has a lot of cluttered cupboards. How I ever find things I’ll never know.

Update on previous resolutions: unplugging things has not been going well. I’m going to start fresh for the next 30 days to see what kind of difference is made on the bill. Fingers crossed it makes a big difference…proceeds from the savings on the ol’ hydro bill go to getting Ezmy some new tights for the winter (don’t shudder – winter is coming whether you like it or not folks).