one step back

I lost my voice on Friday night. I knew it was coming. Thursday morning it disappeared briefly, as if sending out a warning signal. By late Friday, I was very hoarse but still able to speak. When I woke up on Saturday, it was gone.

I am annoyed by this voice problem, but not surprised. My body is amazing at shutting itself down when it gets overworked. And holy hellfire am I overworked. It should come as no surprise to anyone that law school with kids is hard. Even with a supportive husband, even with outside help, even with people rooting for you. It’s fucking hard. It means squeezing in the work whenever you can. It means early mornings and late nights. It means missing out on stuff – rescheduled classes which conflict with daycare drop off, or cool evening events which coincide with stomach flus. It means forgetting stuff – bake sales, birthday parties, PTA meetings. It means knowing that you’re always sort of half-assing everything.

Most significantly, it means you simply cannot compete at the level that the sans children students are competing at. You really can’t. Because no matter how hard you work, or how smart you are, if you are missing the things, if you have to cut yourself into so many more pieces, you just can’t be present in the same way. And therein lies the hardest part of law school for me. I’m a competitive person and I need to let go. I came into this with the mindset that I was doing this for me. I came into it saying I would not get swept up in the nonsense. But somewhere along the way, I forgot that focus.

So it’s time to take a step back. Today I work on my law review application, which is important to me. But then I’m having a nap, playing lego with the kids, and going for a walk. Will I do better tomorrow if I get ahead on the readings for this week? Yes. Oh well.

 

 

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