not a ring bearer

As mentioned previously, A. and I have been re-watching the Lord of the Rings movies. These are some brilliant films, and I mean aside from the frequent shots of Viggo. Absolutely stunning scenery, stupendous battle scenes, and a moving story about good vs evil.

Great stuff.

But, while I’ve enjoyed this re-watch immensely, I’ve come to realize one horrible fact of life: I would make a terrible ring bearer. And here’s why:

1) I would never have made it out of the Shire. Seriously, I would have told Gandalf that he was probably the best dude for the job, being a wizard and all.

2) I’d have asked too many questions before accepting the task.  Even if I had left the Shire, by the time we got to the elves, I would have amassed a pretty extensive list of questions about this whole ring bearing business. As noted by A. last night, Frodo sort of jumped into the take-the-ring-back task, without getting some of the more pertinent details (things like how to get to the damn place for instance, or how frequently people were going to try to kill him on the way). Now, one could argue that some of the others (I’m looking at you, Gandalf) could have been a little more forthcoming with the terrible details, but really, Frodo should have asked some important questions. Things like ‘Is there a map other than the one inside Gandalf’s head?’ or ‘Have we packed enough food for BOTH ways?’ or ‘Why can’t we summon a winged creature to fly us part (or the whole) way?’

3) I would have gotten angrier, faster. “IF THIS TASK SO IMPORTANT, WHY ISN’T EVERYONE HELPING ME?? WHERE ARE THE FANCY SHIELDS, THE ELVEN MEDICINES? I’M SAVING THE BLOODY WORLD HERE, PEOPLE! GIVE ME YOUR BEST STUFF!” Rants such as these would have been shouted about with considerable regularity. I have no doubt that Aragorn would have killed me early in the journey.

4) I would have lost the ring. I totally would have. I can’t keep track of my keys, let alone jewelry. Do you have any idea how many single earrings I have? And I know what you’re thinking: “But this would have been important so you would have been extra careful.” Perhaps, but I’m not so sure I would have worn the thing. Given the whole horrid visions/temptation nonsense, I probably would have wanted to put the ring in a little safe in my bag or something. And then I’d have promptly lost said safe during one of the times when someone was trying to kill me.

5) I’m not one for heights. That snowy mountain walk would have been hard enough, but one look at the damn “stairs” up the cliffs to Mordor, and I would have said screw this beeswax and given the ring to Golem.

Ah well, thankfully it is highly unlikely that I will be asked to carry out such a task. Off I go now to make some puzzles with Budsie, a task I am much better suited to.

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