The following is a list of things I was told I would enjoy or better understand ‘when I grew up’:

1) Peas

2) Ground beef

3) Raw tomatoes

4) Make-up

5) White wine

I am 31 years old and I understand/enjoy precisely none of these things. Peas are just gross. They are, so don’t bother arguing with me. Ground beef has always and will always look like brains. And people who eat raw tomatoes just for the hell of it, and not because someone snuck them into their sandwich, are weird.

Make-up is my second biggest growing-up and getting it disappointment. I was told by numerous babysitters that with practice, I would figure out make-up. False. Buying lipstick is one of the more stressful shopping experiences I undertake, followed closely by eyeshadow and bathing suits. Lipstick always looks weird on me, no matter what colour I choose. Why does it look awesome on everyone else? And lipgloss makes my mouth look like I kissed a slimy fish. Sigh. All I want is for my mouth to look natural-but-slightly-pouty-and-come-hithery-without-looking-like-I-try-too-hard. Is that so much to ask?

But my biggest growing-up and getting it disappointment is white wine. Specifically chardonnay. I had my first glass of chardonnay when I was 12 and hated it. I tried again when I was 14. Nope, still icky. At that time I was told that wine was an acquired taste. “You’ll like it when you’re older,” I was told. So I waited. I waited through university, when I sipped Guinness and oaky reds, I waited through grad school, when I discovered the glory that is the Mojito. I waited and I waited. And last night I had a glass of chardonnay as part of my job and guess what? It sucked. I even tried it oaked AND unoaked. Admittedly, the unoaked was tolerable. But it still tasted close to the exact same thing I sipped back when I was 12. Ick.

So we can conclude the following. Either I’m a) not grown up (totally possible, age is just a number after all), or b) never going to like chardonnay.

I suspect the answer is b).