august 24: what does ezmy want

On August 19, I celebrated my 31st birthday. I like birthdays because I like cake, but I must admit that adding another year to my age doesn’t thrill me. Not because I’m worried about getting old (there is absolutely no point in worrying about something so inevitable), but just because I’m increasingly aware with each passing year that I’m not doing a number of the things I want to be doing. Yes I’m married and yes I have a beautiful son, but contrary to what women’s magazines seem to think, this is not where my life goals end (indeed, one could argue that I never had these as life goals per se, but rather that I happened upon these experiences by happy chance). So I had a lovely day full of cake and shopping and good company, but woke up the following day still 31 and still waffling about trying to get ahold of my life. Boo.

Three days later, a couple of people in my greater circle died. By “greater circle” I mean people I have met in person, but who I do not know beyond this brief encounter. The first was Mr. Layton, a man I met once at a pub in Nova Scotia and the second was BH, a man who meant the world to the H sisters.  Both men were taken far too soon, on the scale of things, and because of this their deaths prompted me to think about my own mortality. And how no one really knows how much time they have. And how someday I will have to say goodbye to Budsie. And how if that someday was tomorrow, I wouldn’t know what to say to him because I’m not a shining example of someone who is really living, according to my understanding of that concept.

What a load of crap, really. I mean of course it doesn’t matter what I say to Budsie tomorrow or whenever it happens to be that I die. I think telling him that I love him and that he’s a wonderful human being will be enough. And of course I’m living – I mean for goodness sake, I have a home in a beautiful country, I have a wonderful family and incredible friends, and I spend everyday writing and hanging out with my healthy and fantastic son. How greedy to want more when most people have so much less.

But thing is, I want more. What do I want? Well, that’s the problem…I don’t know.

I was thinking about this problem while on a playdate with Capital Mom this morning. And while we were chatting, she mentioned something about writing down priorities. Not what you think other people want you to do, not what you think you should do, but what your real priorities are. She mentioned writing them down and then stepping back and considering what really stands in the way of/interferes with this list.

Huh.

So the resolution for today? Come up with a list of priorities for the next year. So that 32 feels just a teensy bit less meh. I’ll consider things tonight and post the list tomorrow I think.

In the meantime, I will catch you up on other fascinating details in my life. And by that I mean, it’s resolution update time!

August 9: Accept the fact that I can’t win every fight and purchase a new printer. Mourn death of old one.

August 10: Clean the Sophie Giraffes that are lying around this house looking like some new form of black and rust coloured giraffe.

August 11: Decide to only do dishes and laundry during off peak hours. Curse the fact that “off-peak” hours occur between 7pm and 7am during the week. Decide that Hydro Ottawa is trying to punish SAHM and WAHMs. Continue loathing Hydro Ottawa.

August 12: No resolution as no sleep was had the night before. I hate teeth.

August 13: Be the prepared person. I packed all the necessities and then some for a blues/ribsfest excursion with the family. I am proud to say that I was the one who had umbrellas, water, sunscreen, blankets etc. I want to be that prepared person instead of the one who never has an umbrella when it’s going to rain or a spare diaper when there’s a poonami.

August 14: Re-evaluate how A. and I do brunch out with the kid. This was not a successful outing and sort of stole the thunder from the day before.

August 15: Set up new printer. Still mourning loss of old printer. Decide new printer is only ok.

August 16: Clean out laundry room. Success but I looked at it today and it’s all messy again. Sigh.

August 17: No resolution as nephew was born this day and I was way too excited. Welcome Henry Alastair!! Gah.

August 18: No resolution as was cleaning rest of house for the arrival of inlaws.

August 19: No resolution as was too busy enjoying shopping and eating birthday cake.

August 20: Rise above post-birthday blues. Somewhat successful…

August 21: Remember the Thrift Store! I completely forgot about thrift store shopping so on this day I went and found a gorgeous polka dot skirt, white dress shirt, and two spiffy kerchiefs. As a lover of fashion who tragically has no money to fund her addiction, I was thrilled with this rediscovery. Success!

August 22: Eat lettuce. Because I keep purchasing lettuce and forgetting about it. Or choosing not to eat it because lettuce is oh so difficult to prepare.

August 23: Make note whenever I have a beer I don’t like so that I remember not to purchase said beer again. Curse bad memory.

Phew. Alright, off to snack with the now awake Budsie.

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