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So I’m 12 weeks pregnant and next week I will officially be in my second trimester according to babycenter.ca, one of my new favourite sites for updates on this delightful condition I now find myself in. I’m going to refer to the second trimester as Round Two in the battle between me and the fetus. Some might consider it strange that I think of myself as at war with my unborn child, but let’s face it – at this point, neither one of us is a fan of the other. Baby E and I live in a parasitic relationship, one that Baby E currently dominates. This past couple of months has been the most brutal of my life since the hairschool/Starbucks/Norovirus days, and that’s saying something. Baby E has engaged in a full attack on my person, tempting me with cravings and then promptly annihilating me with hours of vomiting. Or filling my system with overwhelming amounts of progesterone and therefore causing me to nearly faint in a 7-11 no less. Or completely draining me of energy such that I haven’t lifted a finger to help Andrew around the house in weeks. I haven’t been much better – in retaliation, all I do is sleep, eat bland food (no tasty curry for the mean fetus), or poke at my stomach while muttering ‘stop it!’ to what I realize is a relatively deaf, plum-size being. Furthermore, I have an negative bloodtype which might be fucking with Baby E (I sincerely hope not, of course, but until I get my anti-D shot, not much I can do about it). That was Round One.

My goal for Round Two is pretty straightforward: force Baby E to live in a healthy, well-fed vessel, one that walks occasionally and eats more than yogurt and brazil nuts. My strategy? Fill the house with healthy snacks which I will then constantly shove in my face, even when Baby E gets notions of making me ill. I was doing this at the beginning of my pregnancy but ran out of steam, and therefore the ability to procure healthy snacks, around the end of October. Well no more. My bedside table has had a permanent stash of Premium Plus crackers for the last month or so but I’m upping the stakes by adding small candies, dried fruit, and chewy granola bars to my personal stores. Also in my arsenal? Mad amounts of sleep but at reasonable hours – no longer will Baby E have me vomiting from midnight until 2 am because I, brilliant, evolved being that I am, am going to go to bed so early that the kid will have to wake me up to vomit. Which it just doesn’t seem capable of doing. Take that! Finally, I’m going to ignore efforts on the part of my unborn child to convince me that I want any of the following: apple juice, Dorritos, pickles, deep-fried zucchini, sour cabbage soup, banana smoothies, bagels and cream cheese, or spinach. I do not want these things as they make me vomit 100% of the time. I will refer back to this post as a reminder.

So there you have it. I do secretly love this child, really I do. And I’m sure once he/she gets to know me, he/she will think I’m just dandy. But this is no time to go all soft. A battle is being waged, and I am going to win it. Round Two here I come!