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A day in the life of Zoe (aka Z-bone, Z-town, Zoe-burger, the Zoster):

5:00am

The human has been sleeping for far too long. I’ve been alone and quiet for a whole two hours now. It is time she woke up and played with me. I think I’ll just trot into her room and bat her on the nose for a bit. If that fails, I will bite her elbows.

5:02am

Huh. The human seems to have closed the door. This is a new development. I don’t like it. I think I’ll just scratch at the door for a bit to see if there has been some sort of mistake.

5:15am

Nope. No mistake. Huh. This does not make me happy. Indeed, I am furious. I think I’ll pee in her tub.

5:20am-8:00am

I am going to sit right here outside the bedroom door so that when she wakes up, she’ll trip right over me and break her neck…no wait, just her arm. She serves a useful purpose as provider of yogurt.

8:00am

She walked over me! OVER ME! She seems hell bent on ignoring me until she’s had some of that revolting liquid substance. My natural instincts tell me that this substance is poison. I hope it’s slow acting…I need the yogurt. Hey wait! She’s eating yogurt. I need some of that action.

8:02am

The human is still ignoring me and eating ALL of the yogurt. I think I’ll scale her like a tree and see if she can continue to ignore me. Bwahahah.

8:04am

The human made a hideous sound when I climbed up her back. But instead of taking the hint and giving me yogurt, she has put me in the bathroom and closed the door. Sigh. I think I’ll chew on her toothbrush.

8:14am

The human has decided to let me out. I pretend to care deeply that I’ve hurt her. Perhaps this will secure me some yogurt.

8:30am

YOGURT!

8:35am

Time to check out the sexy cat in the window. I’ll try meowing really loudly this time. It didn’t work yesterday or the 150 days before that, but today might be different.

9:00am

Time to play with the human. We have this game where I hide behind stuff and she walks into the room and I leap up and attack her leg. She loves it.

10:00am-11:00am

The human is sitting at her desk working which means that it is time for morning exercises. I’ll run from one window to the next for an hour pausing only to scare the human. I am exceptionally scary when I poof up.

11:00am-5:00pm

Phew. I’m exhausted. Where’s that black shirt I enjoy sleeping on so much?

5:00pm

There is another cat in the bedroom! And I don’t like the look of it.

5:01pm

I have scared the other cat with my ultra scary poofy self. HaHA!

5:05pm

AH! There’s another cat in the bedroom! And I don’t like the look of it.

5:06pm

HoHO! I have scared the other cat with my ultra scary poofy self. Oddly, when I tried to hit her, she felt like the window. She must be an alien cat.

5:10pm

AH! There’s another cat in the bedroom! And I don’t like the look of it.

5:11pm

The cat in the bedroom is obviously magical and therefore evil. I tried to chase her behind this skinny piece of furniture and she disappeared. Then there she was again! Thankfully, I was able to scare her with my ultra scary poofy self.

5:15pm

Time to pretend to care about the human. I feel it’s important to sacrifice at least five minutes out of my day for this chore. She seems to like it. I’m so wonderful.

5:20pm

Enough of that.

5:21pm

OOOH the human is filling the water container. YES! Time to lick the bathroom sink tap!

5:30pm-6:00pm

Phew, I’m exhausted. The human has laid out the most comfortable pair of black pants on her bed. Time to nap.

6:00pm

I must clean myself! Gawd! How did I get this dirty!?!?

6:02pm-7:00pm

ZZZZzzzz

7:01pm

AGH! I must clean myself! How did I get this dirty!? Ick ick ick.

7:03pm-9:00pm

ZZZzzzz

9:01pm

The human is reading out loud again. Nothing is more irritating than listening to her read out loud. My cold steely stare is ineffective. Bah. I’m leaving.

9:05pm

You know, it’s high time I began cleaning myself again. I get ridiculously dir…MOTHS! THERE ARE MOTHS! I must catch all of the moths.

9:09pm

Phew. Ok NOW I can clean myself. I just don’t know where all of this dir…MOTHS! THERE’S ANOTHER ONE! I MUST HAVE IT!

9:20pm

In my attempt to catch the moth, I landed in my water bowl. Not my most dignified moment. The human is laughing at me. I must remember to throw up on her bed later.

9:24pm

Why is my ass so wet!? Well nevermind. I can finally go back to cleaning all of this dir…MOTHS! THERE ARE MOTHS! I must have them all!

10:00pm

Time to sit in the window and wait. Something will happen.

10:01pm

JUNE BUGS!

11:00pm

You know, it’s been awhile since I visited the human. She’s probably lonely. Look at her working over there. I know! I’ll go sit on her chest. That way I’ll be right next to the warm box she’s working with.

11:03pm

The human has moved me to her pillow which is not where I want to be. I will try sticking my bum in her face this time. She’ll love that. All animals love that.

11:05pm

Once again I have been re-located to the pillow beside the human. Fine. I’m going to go scratch up her suitcases and pull the lace out of her dress.

11:10pm

In the washroom again. Sigh.

11:20pm

Again am forced to pretend I care.

11:21pm-11:30

Phew, I’m hungry.

11:30-12:30am

Time to sit and stare at the human. I like to sit on the floor at the end of the bed and just peer over the edge of the bed at her. I think it freaks her out. Sometimes pieces of paper come flying up in air and I chase them and bring them back to her. Sometimes I just stare.

12:30am-2:30am

Time for night watch. Lots of goings on out in front of the apartment.

2:30am

The human is in the bathroom! Yes! Time to drink from the tap.

3:00am

The human has closed the bedroom door again. I will throw up a hair ball in her shoes. That’ll learn her.