(picture credit: hyperbole and a half)

So I had a really great year! I had a baby, A BABY, and I traveled a lot, and I moved to a new and beautiful country and I met new and beautiful people. I managed to see both of my siblings in the same year at the same time. I read some pretty amazing books. I learned how to knit, well enough that I made presents for people that didn’t fall apart. I started up yoga again. I watched my son develop terrifyingly sharp language skills. My daughter stands. My husband is the coolest dude I know. Yep, everything fucking rocks.

Oh except it doesn’t.

Because Depression.

I wouldn’t call what’s going on post-partum depression, although certainly it all started going south post-partum. It’s more a strange combination of events (baby, big move, a serious case of the toddler crazies) that has led to me feel nothing, all the time. Except frustration at other people’s ability to be happy.

I’ve always had this problem, but in my 33 years, I have never had it this bad, for this long. I could always see a light at the end of what was usually two weeks of bullshit, no-feelings nonsense. Maintaining perspective, vegetables, getting sleep, and just relaxing always did the trick. After a couple of weeks, the fog would clear and I would get on with my awesome, rocking life.

But there has been so little sleep, so little relaxing and thus this has been my year. Minus the wanting to just not exist part. I’ve never not wanted to exist, I’ve just wanted to walk away. Though god knows where away is. A magical land filled with beds and wine and cancer-free cigarettes and no children and the perfect job and a sense of meaning and fulfillment in my life? A place where I can talk to my husband for more than a minute without someone screaming at us? A place where I can just breathe? Blerg.

Anyway, I’ll smarten up soon I’m sure. I’m still with it enough to know what I need to do to get out of the fog. It’s the thickest fog to date, but surely there’s a way out. Three cheers for 2014 though. I’m quite finished with this year, thank you very much.


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